Canvas Phobia

I know many artists, professional type artists, that are truly gifted. They worked hard and have achieved great heights in their artistic abilities. They create out of amazing skills and knowledge. Then there is me. Never went to school to study art, therefore I have no MFA (master of fine arts). I've taken a few community art classes in the area - like a stained glass class, random jewelry classes, writing classes. I've even taught a few different classes myself. But I have no real constant talent that I can bank on. No, when I sit before the canvas, I'm petrified. Scared out of my wits, even questioning what the heck I'm doing. It's in those times, actually, when I am silent before God and ask Him to help, to assist me in creating what I feel He put inside me, even though I have no knowledge of mixing paints or even how colors work!

When I put aside my doubts and fears and ask for (well, it's more like pleading in my case) His Hand to guide my hand, that's when crazy things happen. I learn to trust God, I learn to trust myself, and a piece of art emerges that is totally beyond my known abilities.

I had this experience recently. I knew I had to paint this picture of Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane. I thought the idea was absurd considering I've never painted before - ever. But I kept sensing God saying, "trust me." I kept saying, "I can't paint, You know that!" Well, the sense continued over months and I found myself perusing the aisles of Michael's then leaving with different sized canvases, tubes of acrylic paints and a smattering of brushes. "I am insane! I can't paint! I know nothing about colors and I can't even draw."

God didn't care about that. He just wanted me to trust Him, not my inabilities. So, the supplies sat in a dark corner of my room for a few months. Then, one day, I decided to give it a try. Very reluctantly, that is. I can't tell you how silly I felt as I sat there in front of that big white blank canvas and had no idea how to get the image from my mind onto the dang thing. I laughed at myself and almost put away the paints. Again, that sense I had to do it. Honestly, I sat there and prayed, trying not to argue with God anymore, instead I just surrendered myself, the image in my mind, my creativity (or lack there of) and asked Him to guide my hand and guide my color choices.

Slowly, little by little, paint collected on the canvas. that day. Over several months, as I worked on this piece, I was in awe of God's presence with me as I constantly prayed over the painting that He and I were creating. It was a beautiful experience. Sometimes I'd pull my brush off the canvas and be shocked at how awesome it looked! "I can't even paint and the shadowing on His arm is outstanding!" In those moments, I knew that was beyond my abilities. What an honor to be used in such a way - through my creativity.

Later, the completed painting was used in the Garden Room of the LW's Labyrinth of 2007. I am still moved to tears at how God placed that image and desire in my heart long ago, patiently sat with me as I struggled to believe I could pull it off, then used the art in a setting such as the Labyrinth where many others can interact with Jesus through something I co-created with God. It's just crazy awesome.

I've not painted since then. I do feel another image blooming in my heart and once again, I'm doubting myself and arguing with God. But this time I know the amazing feeling of letting go of myself and letting Him work through me - and I won't drag my feet forever. I have lots of paints and even about five canvases left in that dark corner of my room. So, nothing but myself is stopping me from meeting with God before the canvas. I need to get over myself and just do it.

I'm reminded of something Richard Rohr said, "we can not attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of God. What's absent is awareness."

Is God calling you to be more aware of His presence? What is the"canvas" He is asking you to sit before? To trust him, to trust yourself... Try it, you just may be very surprised...and amazed.
grace & peace on your journey ~ deAnn