Painting Fear

I'm sharing a post I wrote back in May 2007 about an image that was lingering in my heart and the struggle it was to see it land on the canvas. I hope this encourages you in some way or another...to keep exploring your creative voice, listening to God's voice and expressing what you sense in your spirit. Grace & peace on the journey ~ deAnn

For several months I’ve been collecting acrylic paints, canvases and brushes. I even purchased a table top easel and a painting pallet. These items have been collecting dust in the corner of our dining room. The excuse I use for not painting is I have no room. Sure, I could set everything up on my dining table but where would we eat?

This weekend my husband and boys were away and I had the whole house to myself from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. It was lovely. Saturday I got up and had “paint” on my Wish I Would Do List. It was towards the bottom. A few months ago I traveled to Israel and while there God implanted an image in my heart, in words it would be “move with God.” I see the image and have desired to paint it for some time. Saturday - I had the opportunity, no cooking meant no need for the dining room table.

A bit reluctantly I set up my easel, got out my paints, pallet and brushes. Then I walked away from it, scared to death of that screaming white canvas. I see the image in my mind as clear as day – but how do I get it out? I stared blankly at the canvas as I didn’t know where to begin. I grew frustrated. So, I sat down and turned on the TV. From my sofa I could see the canvas sitting quietly and patiently there on the easel – watching my every move. I tried to ignore it. Fear of everything hindered me from creating an expression from God.

Finally, I got up, walked over and said “FINE! I’ll paint!” I squirted some pale yellow paint on my pallet then mixed it with white and slathered it over the entire canvas. “Oh, that felt kinda good” I thought to myself, “now what?” I gravitated towards shades of green then painted a swirly line from one corner diagonally to the opposite corner, this dark green line represented God. I filled a narrower brush with a pretty apple green color and created a companion line right next to the God line. This apple green line represented me, how close I want to be with God and to move with Him all the time.

“What’s next?” That’s all God gave me to see. “But there must be more!” The canvas looked empty. So, I painted with blues: big circles and little circles on the upper diagonal half. They represented my dreams and hopes, but I didn’t really like it. What I painted on the lower diagonal half was even worse! I couldn’t stand this painting! Back to the sofa and a funny movie in hopes of finding laughter, which I really needed at that point. “Why did I spend all this money on painting stuff when I can’t stand it?” was the only thought in my mind. “I hate painting! I’m not cut out for this.”

The movie was stupid, which I believe was God’s plan so that I’d return to the canvas. I tried three different ways to cover up the ugliness of my painting but I just wasn’t feeling it. “Move with God” was not being accurately displayed through my art. However, I kept at it, more determined than ever. I painted carefully and decided that it wasn’t so bad, even though it’s not really what I feel it should be. But, someone may like my painting…maybe?

The next morning when I came down the stairs in search for coffee, I was aptly greeted by my painting. “Oh, my, I can’t give up my day job!” Early that afternoon my husband came home and saw my art on the table and said “oh, this is your painting?” Ahh, yeah! I explained to him that I wasn’t happy with it because it was not what I see in my mind. It was such a struggle for me – painting that piece. All my fears came true – it’s crap, no one will like it, people will laugh.

Well, that’s when it hit me…right there sitting on the dining room floor processing this with my husband. “deAnn, this painting is not for just anyone. It’s for you. You are the only audience,” it was like a news ticker tape crossing the bottom on my mind and it was an urgent message from God.

What I realized was it’s not about the finished project. But it’s about what I learned through the creative process. My fear of painting, to explore a realm of creativity that is foreign, inhibited me from expressing what was deep inside my heart. I painted what I thought other people would want to see or would think was nice. That did not settle well in my soul. My painting was too clean, too nice, to edited. It’s not messy and real like the image that still lingers in my heart and cries to be released - this is the painting I need to create! This painting would not include the use of brushes…but my fingers and hands instead. And when I imagine letting go to paint from my heart like that - I sense freedom and pleasure in the most divinely intimate of ways!

So, now back to the canvas to paint from my true self that image God placed in my heart while in Israel: move with God. Now I’m excited to create! The chains of bondage have been released – true art can emerge from my soul and I can’t wait to see what God teaches me through that experience. Discovering and developing creativity from the true self is found through the process, what you learn about God and about yourself. It’s not so much about the final product. I believe that if you let go, travel deep into your soul and find the artist within – the final product will be one of amazing beauty and other people may see that beauty too ~ that picture into your soul.

I plan to begin this true painting very soon, then I'll post the two paintings together and see how they differ...continuing on the artistic adventure...

NOTE: It's now October 2008 and I've not yet gone back to the canvas to see this expression through. Although I've painted one other picture that I will post about over the weekend. What a different experience this later painting was...more to come later.