Phot0graph (c) 2009 deAnn Roe
The following series of posts titled, "Wordless Conversation" are my inner reflections while living a couple days, alone, in silence on a creative retreat. Below is part 7.
I continued my journey around the garden, going deeper into its beauty. I found some dogwood trees just beginning to blossom. My shutter was working overtime as I snapped what seemed like hundreds of shots, some extreme close ups. As I walked around the perimeter of the property, observing every detail underfoot, I was startled when I caught sight of my ghostly white legs. Embarrassed doesn’t accurately describe how I felt, but no one was around. So why should I care.
Right next door to the cottage is the quaint little art shed, a renovated chicken coop. I did some water coloring last night at the kitchen table, but figured I’d play in the art shed today. This was not a pleasant experience. Even though I invited God to collaborate with me in my creative endeavor, I felt uninspired and clumsy. I didn’t feel God’s presence, nor did I feel His creative genius pulsing through me. After attempting three projects, there was only one which I liked (meaning I didn’t throw it away like I did the other two). I left feeling discouraged. So, to numb the feelings of inadequacy, I ate. Extra sharp cheese, hard salami and crackers. The filtered sunlight passed beyond the young buds of the ancient tree while I sat on the loft deck, wallowing in rancid self pity. “Why did God wire me with desire to create with Him AND inspire others to create with Him, when I’m horrible at it myself? I am so not an artist.”
more to come...
2 comments:
Maybe so we can share similar feelings of lost/unrealized fulfillment/opportunity. Why did God give me a consuming passion to initiate organic community in an area where there is nothing going on remotely close to my hearts desire? Where are the like minded? Is it so that when I meet kindreds we will connect, rejoice and begin a new work? What is the purpose of the current hungry season but to prepare for the next season of provision. jkirk
Hi Jkirk = beautiful response. You have given me hope. And helped me to see "beyond myself." I hope you can read the concluding "Wordless Conversation" post #008 tomorrow. It summerizes how I did meet with God, how I heard His voice. But your words tug on another area of my heart and mind. Questions I need to contemplate. Thank you. ~deAnn
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