Photograph (c) 2009 deAnn Roe
The following series of posts titled, "Wordless Conversation" are my inner reflections while living a couple days, alone, in silence on a creative retreat. Below is part 8, the conclusion of my story.
As I teetered on the edge of an emotional crevice, I sensed God saying that He was present with me in the art shed and pleased that I took that time to meet with Him, despite the fact that I didn’t have a “good” experience. No matter the outcome, artistically, all that mattered was that I showed up.
Because God, I did. I put these two days on my calendar, planned this get away because I do LONG TO BE WITH YOU. Be with You in a special way, outside the normal ways of daily life. I want to feel Your presence, I want to feel Your creative genius, I want to be transformed by You, through and through.
Sitting on the loft deck I wrote easily and felt no signs of inadequacy. I recalled the book excerpts, miscellaneous quotes, and sayings that my eyes and heart have interacted with since I arrived at the cottage. God is silent, mysterious, loving, and loves me very much. The change I seek doesn’t manifest itself immediately on the surface. The deep change I seek occurs in my “secret heart” and radiates out and up from there. Not in big obvious ways, but in small peaceful ways and I may not notice them at first. And I may not even notice them today or tomorrow. But the times I seek God in solitude and prayer gives Him much joy – as I open to Him and give Him free reign of my heart to arrange and rearrange the things He sees fit. Again, I may not “feel” it at the moment but I will notice it in time. The touch of the Makers hand never goes unnoticed.
It’s funny, God, I feel most close to You right this very second. With my laptop open, collecting the depths of my soul, knowing that my art is writing – expressing what You are doing, and will do, in me through my creativity. I may not be a fabulous painter or sculptor, but my gift is writing - and maybe even photography. Both these artistic genres sooth my soul and I feel I can best honor and glorify You in these practices. Writing is an art. Photography is an art. And I hear You asking me if I will trust You with my most inner parts and trust how You’ve made me. Lord, I do. I do trust You. Forgive the self-loathing mood of a few moments ago, and forgive the ones to come in the days ahead. Your work is mysterious and deep. My expectations are too high – I expect something tangible right way, something to hold on to. You expect me to simply show up and be present.
You call me to simply be with You. To sit quietly "before the canvas" or on a tired wooden bench. You simply desire to be with me. What comes from our time together is of Your making, not mine. Should the outcome be a meaningful piece of art – wonderful. If not (such as today’s experience in the art shed) You are pleased that I just showed up and we spent time together. And through the humiliating creative process that ended in disaster, You were busy at work deep in my secret heart. Thank You for rearranging the parts of me that need Your touch. I will not leave this cottage retreat unchanged. I may only look unchanged on the outside or I may feel unchanged on the inside. But where You dwell, in my secret heart, nothing is the same. For that, I thank You, my Lord. Amen.
Grace & peace on your creative spiritual journey ~ deAnn
0 comments:
Post a Comment