Unexpected Turn

The path of our life took an unexpected turn on September 14. At age 39 I find myself pregnant, which would normally be very exciting however, my husband had a vasectomy 10 years ago. So, to say we were surprised would be an extreme understatement. I have two amazing boys from a previous marriage, one a senior in High School, the other a freshman in High School. We were so close to being "empty nesters" with dreams that included just my husband and me. Yet, God has other plans for us and our family.

Having to sit my teenage boys down and tell them I was pregnant was so strange. I felt like a teenage girl confessing to her unsuspecting parents that she is pregnant. The blank stare on my 17 year old's face was hard to figure out: "my parents still do that? Ugh! Delete that mental image!!!! Delete!" Or was it a look of relief because now he knows I am not dying of some disease, (which I found out later is what he thought. I was very sick and going to the doctors a lot that week, his mind went to "mom's dying.") My 14 year old said, "well, that's cool, mom. I hope it's a boy."

To be completely honest, I was devastated with this news. I had several uncontrollable meltdowns. My emotions ran a muck and I was a mess, then I felt deep guilt for my feelings about this pregnancy. And I had terrible morning sickness (and afternoon and evening sickness) which compounded my overall emotional status. My husband, on the other hand, was ecstatic from day one! We don't have children together. He has two kids and I have two. But now we will share in the amazing gift of being parents of our very own child. That is a blessing.

Around late October or early November, God answered my agonizing prayer and softened my heart towards being a mom again. I moved out of the devastation stage and I am clearly in the acceptance stage. Dare I say, I'm even a little bit excited about having a little baby. Fear still grips me with normal thoughts: How will we afford another child? We've maxed out on space in our house, where will we put the baby? Will I be a good mom? Childcare! Oh my gosh, what will we do when I have to go back to work?? All valid thoughts, but I have to trust that God is going before us and will pave the way for each of these worries to be taken care of.

Now I am 17 weeks along and definitely have a "baby bump." There is no mistaking that I'm pregnant. No longer are people left to wonder if I've had too many plates of my beloved nachos. (Strangely, I can't stomach the idea of nachos at this time! Pregnancy is so weird.) I'm beginning to fill out the maternity clothes lent to me by awesome friends and we've been thinking of names for this little one. Being the overly cautious person that I am, I've not let myself get too excited just in case something tragic should happen. But I sense God gently saying to me, "embrace this pregnancy with all your heart, deAnn." I don't want to disobey my Father and "sorta" be thankful for this gift He's given us. With that said, I feel I'm leaving the acceptance stage and entering the embracing stage.

On December 17 I have my biggie ultrasound to look closely at the baby. And while peeking in on him or her we will see if it's a him or her! Knowing, at my ancient childbearing age, that the little one who's currently living under my heart is a growing healthy baby girl or boy, will be one giant step in the embracing department. God knows I need a heavy dose of that right now.

Spiritually speaking, the moment I looked at that home pregnancy test (and then another home pregnancy test), fear was not alone. What I heard God saying to me amidst my strong tears was that He will answer my decade long prayer through this pregnancy and baby ~ my prayer to be transformed more and more into His image. And to do that, because I'm a stubborn one, He needed to get my attention in a gigantic life changing way. I have two choices going forward: continue to keep my heart closed off, keeping transformation at bay OR allow Jesus to help me destroy the sky-high brick wall that has held my heart captive for a lifetime. Where do I buy spiritual TNT? Oh wait! That is not needed, I just need to embrace this new direction for my life and trust that God is closer than my skin.

He will do a work in me. This little one is a grander gift can I can even imagine.

I explain all this to keep you in the loop of what's going on in my life and why I've not been great at posting lately. It's been a roller-coaster of emotions and I've not felt very creative in any way. But as I open my heart to the future that's before me, I sense my creativity will flood back in with force. I'll share more in coming posts about how this has affected my creative life, it's been an interesting journey, to say the least.

Many of have known what's happening and have sent me emails that have encouraged me right when I needed it most. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated that. God used you at a troubling time to speak to me about this gift He's given us. And to be truthful, those words of encouragement have helped to propel me out of the devastation stage. I am so grateful for you.

Now I wait for next regular OB appointment on December 8. I need to hear the baby's heartbeat again. And again. And again. And I'll share the news from the upcoming December 17 ultrasound. Girl or boy, as long as it's healthy, I'll be happy! At my age, they scare you with all kinds of stuff that could happen. But again, I'm trusting God. We'll take what He gives us.

Thank you for listenting and sorry for the long silence.

Grace & peace,
deAnn